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Tag: cognitive dissonance

I Don’t Pray Anymore

September 10, 2021 Sara Martin 3 Comments

A reflection on why I gave up this confusing and inconsistent Christian practice.

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Posted in: Religion Filed under: Christianity, cognitive dissonance, deconstruction, evangelical, prayer, psychology, theology

Hi! I’m Sara, an ex-evangelical writer navigating life after faith. To learn more about this blog, click here.

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When I deconstructed my Christian faith, I didn't When I deconstructed my Christian faith, I didn't realize how unprepared I'd be to eventually lose someone I loved.⁣ ⁣ The only narrative of dying, death, and the afterlife I've ever known is the evangelical Christian one. I was taught to find comfort and hope in knowing the instant someone dies, they are in the perfect presence of Jesus (assuming they were Christian). No more suffering, just an eternity of blissfulness to spend in heaven which I would someday join them to enjoy forever.⁣ ⁣ But it was more than that. I was taught not to mourn when someone died. I wasn't supposed to be sad like those with no Christian hope. I was supposed to be joyful because believing in Jesus meant the alternative narrative of death didn't apply to me or my loved ones when we eventually died.⁣ ⁣ Losing my grandma a year ago was the first major loss I experienced since outgrowing my faith, and it was every bit as awful as I imagined it would be. But in the past few months I've realized not only am I grieving; I don't know how to grieve. My former faith gave me no salvageable tools. Few, if any, transferable coping techniques.⁣ ⁣ Evangelical Christianity robbed me of how to think about death.⁣ ⁣ So for a long time, it's felt like I've been stuck in mud desperately spinning my wheels trying to move even an inch. How do you get out when the only thing guiding you was an ancient map claiming to be the only route?⁣ ⁣ It's made my grieving process much more complicated. But I'm finally gaining new, helpful perspectives thanks to counseling and religiously-neutral grief and loss resources.⁣ ⁣ Still, I feel cheated. I feel angry. And it's okay to feel that way.⁣ ⁣ #exvangelical #deconstruction #griefandloss #death
I've been really quiet online for the past year, a I've been really quiet online for the past year, and I've oscillated back and forth between feeling okay about it and feeling immensely guilty.⁣ ⁣ I wholeheartedly believe in the importance of being true to yourself and accepting where you presently are. And so, I've had to accept this phase of my life isn't one I felt I needed to document online much. It isn't that I haven't had anything to share. However, given how quickly life has been moving for me, the chance to share my thoughts on social media has been rare. It's rare I even have the chance to properly collect my thoughts at all. 😅⁣ ⁣ In the past year, I became a parent, lost a beloved grandparent, and said goodbye to three four-legged family members. It's been such a bittersweet chapter simultaneously full of newfound happiness and debilitating grief. The time and energy to write simply haven't been there most days. On days they were, my thoughts were too incomplete and scattered to be very helpful or insightful to want to post.⁣ ⁣ Truthfully, I don't have much insight to share right now. Faith deconstruction is still such a big passion of mine, but so many other things in life have demanded my full attention. I still feel so new to parenthood and to grief that I don't have much of anything relevant to say--at least not yet. I am hopeful a time will come when I do feel ready to share more about my experiences and how I learned to navigate through the thick of it all on the other side of deconstructing my Christian faith.⁣ ⁣ For now, I wanted to say I'm still around. I appreciate everyone new to my account who's followed me despite my lack of updates. Your comments and follows really have meant a lot to me this past year. 💙⁣ ⁣ So, that's it! Thanks so much for reading this far. I guess if there's anything helpful I CAN share, it's that sometimes it's okay to not have much you want to say. It feels so counterintuitive with how much pressure social media puts on us to keep up and make the algorithm happy and get discovered. But honestly, fuck it. Take a minute, take a month, hell, take a year. Take as long as you need.⁣ #update #grief #deconstruction #selfacceptance #selfie
I saw a church post this and I wanted to do an #ex I saw a church post this and I wanted to do an #exvangelical version. I'll go first. Because of Jesus, I am traumatized. How would you finish the sentence? #exvangelical #exvie #deconstruction #tellyourstory #leavingreligion #mystory #mytruth #agnostic
In honor of #AceWeek, I want to share a bit about In honor of #AceWeek, I want to share a bit about my journey so far of discovering and accepting my sexuality.⁣ ⁣ I am demisexual; that much I know pretty confidently. Demisexuality is on the asexual spectrum and is when someone only experiences sexual attraction to another person after first establishing an emotional connection with them.⁣ ⁣ It's taken a long time for me to actually settle into the label "demisexual." I've been told I just have a very low sex drive, or that I'm a messed up byproduct of purity culture that just needs to catch up sexually. I've consumed so many articles, podcast episodes, and videos trying to parse out why I am the way I am and how to fix me. And it sucks to spend years thinking you're broken.⁣ ⁣ The truth is, I'm not broken. Regardless of my past, regardless of whatever factors have contributed to making me who I am, this is me. I don't need fixing. I don't need to catch up. I'm tired of feeling bad about myself and perpetually looking for some solution to make me "normal."⁣ ⁣ I'm way more comfortable with my sexuality these days, although I still have a lot to figure out. Being on the asexual spectrum is part of who I am, and I'm okay with that. Happy Ace Week, everyone! ☺️ 💜🤍🖤⁣ ⁣ #aceweek #asexualawarenessweek #demisexual #demisexuality #asexual #asexuality #mystory #mytruth #notbroken #exvangelical
My little guy is two weeks old.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I've My little guy is two weeks old.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I've not been posting as much the past however many months because preparing to become a mom was what I needed to focus on.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Now he's here and I have no clue what life is going to look like, but I do know I will never stop sharing my story. My little guy is going to grow up surrounded by stories that teach empathy, compassion, and kindness.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Yes, he'll learn about Christianity, but he'll also learn about other religions. Yes, he'll grow up hearing my views on things but he'll also be challenged to think about other perspectives. He'll get to write his own story, and he'll have the support of his parents every step of the way.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Thanks to everyone who's checked in on me the past few months. Thanks to everyone who's stuck around despite my lack of activity. I appreciate you so much 💙⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ #deconstruction #deconstructingparent #exvangelical #newmom #mystory
PSA: You can't discredit someone's story by quotin PSA: You can't discredit someone's story by quoting the bible at them.⁣ ⁣ I can't count the number of comments I've gotten like this one on YouTube (swipe to the next pic) of strangers judging me because my lived experience doesn't align with how they interpret their ancient holy texts. They somehow think by throwing a bible verse or two at me, they've successfully exposed me as the lost sheep, heretic, apostate, etc. that I *really* am. Yeeeah, that's not how it works. It just proves you really, really don't get it.⁣ ⁣ A major reason why I haven't made anymore videos on YouTube about my deconstruction is because, honestly, I'm so fucking tired of these comments. You think I don't know all these verses you're posting to prove I'm wrong and you have "the truth"? Fact is, if you watched my videos and your first response is to comment a bible verse, you didn't really *listen*, and you really don't care.⁣ ⁣ I am so glad I'm not the pious, judgmental, evangelical Christian I used to be anymore. I'm so glad religion no longer forces me to see the world in black and white, and I'm free to live every day in a world full of colors and complexities that challenge me to be a better, more empathetic person.⁣ ⁣ #deconstruction #exvangelical #mystory #mytruth #psa #agnostic
Last night, I found out my friend and life coach S Last night, I found out my friend and life coach Steve Austin died by suicide this week.⁣ ⁣ Steve was the one who gave me permission to dive headfirst into deconstruction three years ago. He was the one who first introduced me to that term and it changed my life. I never would've survived the process of reevaluating my entire system of beliefs and values if it weren't for his mentoring, empathy, and outrageous sense of humor.⁣ ⁣ I initially found Steve through his book "From Pastor to a Psych Ward" while I was struggling with depression. Over time, I became very familiar with his story of surviving a suicide attempt at age 29 and his passion to lead the conversation about mental health and faith. He was always envisioning new ways to help people and put his whole heart into every venture he undertook. To learn he was struggling and lost his life by suicide makes his passing hit me so much harder.⁣ ⁣ I'm devastated by Steve's death for so many reasons. I'm devastated for his family. I'm devastated for the faith and mental health community. I'm devastated to know the person who set me on the path to becoming the liberated, unashamed version of me I am now is gone.⁣ ⁣ Thank you is not enough, Steve. The impact you made on this world is invaluable. We won't stop sharing your message of hope and messy grace. I hope, somehow, our paths cross again someday. 💙⁣ ⁣ #deconstruction #steveaustin #messygrace #mentalhealth #exvangelical @fplusmh
"So is this 𝘢𝘭𝘭 you do?"⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I'v "So is this 𝘢𝘭𝘭 you do?"⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I've been asked some version of this question by other people more than once as I've sat at my receptionist desk at work. Like Pam from The Office, I never aspired to be a secretary, but administrative work has so far turned out to be where I fit best in the working world. It's been a hell of a journey not just to figure that out through a lot of trial and error, but to also learn to accept that being an #admin isn't anything to be ashamed of.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Whatever people see when they pass me at my desk doesn't matter. No, I didn't aspire to be an admin when I went to college for psychology, but you know what? My mental health is the best it's been this side of graduating. Unlike other jobs I've had that made me feel unsafe, dangerously stressed, or horribly frustrated, I actually like my current job. I'm good at what I do, and am damn proud of myself for it.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ So in honor of #adminprofessionalsday, here's to all the other misunderstood and underappreciated badass admins out there killing it. I see you, and the work you do is invaluable.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ #admins #administrativeassistant #adminlife #mystory #mytruth
In less than a week, I gained 1000+ subscribers on In less than a week, I gained 1000+ subscribers on YouTube. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Holy. freaking. shit.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I'm not entirely sure how, but a video I posted 6 months ago outlining my deconstruction journey has gained over 60,000 views, 2,000 comments, and took my subscribers count from 80 to over 1000. In a week. One. It's been both super exciting and super overwhelming.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I've gained a lot of new followers here on Instagram this past week as well. If you're reading this and found me through YouTube, welcome! 😊 I'm so glad you're here. 💙⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ If I wanted any video of mine to take off, it would be this one. People, evangelical Christians especially, need to hear our stories. And not just hear, but actually listen to them.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Takeaways from this rollercoaster of a week:⁣⁣ • A lot of people are quick to tell you what to do, but try to camouflage it in a way that makes it sound like they care. I see through that BS, okay?⁣⁣ • I do not have to and will not justify my story to accusing strangers on the internet.⁣⁣ • Sharing your story does help people, even though you may not know they're there. It's the kind private messages I've gotten that have meant the world to me this past week. 💙⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Pray for me, but don't actually. 😂 Just still trying to process the fact my deconstruction story has been launched out into the world in such a massive way.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ (Link to my YouTube channel is in my bio, btw)⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ #deconstruction #exvangelical #gratefulandoverwhelmed #exvieyoutuber #mystory
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I’m a defensive pessimist. I thought this defense mechanism was helping me be prepared for the worst, but here I share its dark side and how I’m hoping to make a healthier change. More on defensive pessimism: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defensive_pessimism 🎵 MUSIC Intro song: “Adventure” (http://www.bensound.com) Ending song: “To You” by Ikson (https://youtube.com/ikson) 🔸 FIND ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA 🔸 Instagram: https://instagram.com/sara_martin24/ YouTube: https://youtube.com/channel/UC49ikLIIIwWj74BySg9M8OA Website: https://sara-martin.com/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/sara_martin_24
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